The hunger builds...

I'm beginning to feel the hunger build deep inside of me.  As we begin sharing ideas and views of submission it's beginning to build a fire deep inside of me.  I find my mind filled with thoughts and visions of my body being taken and pushed to the highest levels of sexual desires.  Feeling his power over me as my body begins to submit to his touch.  The desire and hunger grows to the point where I beg to be taken.

The thoughts and curiousity of the firsts....The first time I am taken and submit to his control..the first time I get punished.  Wondering how my mind and body will react and more importantly how I will react to him...Will it be as natural as things have progressed so far or will I try to remain strong and prolong the transfer of control......only time will be able to answer these questions.

I would love to hear feedback on this for anyone interested in responding. 

My thoughts

Yesterday I went to a tailgating party for the Sunday football game.  I went alone but my mind was racing of thoughts about Him.  My thoughts were so focused on the lifestyle as my mind and body raced with anticipation to feel alive again..the beginning stages of discovery and learning each other can be very exciting as well as intense.  Using the game as a tool to offer my submission.  Each loss of downs giving myself to Him in a sexual way.  With each taking feeling my submission grow stronger and a bond slowly begin to develop.

I see visions constantly on a daily basis and I'm learning that He does as well.  I guess time will tell how perceptive he is about my mannerisms and behavior.  I have learned some of his dislikes already and I wonder what to expect the first time he gets upset with me?  Thoughts of curiousity race in my mind on how he would deal with me in a public setting when it occurs as well as in private. 

I'm going to do my best to be well behaved and show him how good I plan to be.

It's been a long time...

I took a break from here and hope to hear from all of you again.  I needed to walk away for a little bit to regroup and try this once again to find my true happiness and contentment.  I have met someone and feel that there is some true potential for making it happen this time.  In suttle ways, I'm learning simple things from him. 

I shared with him tonight about my blog and hope that he will visit sometime and post once in awhile as well.  I think a blog can be really interesting if both parties post to it.  I'm not sure he will want to, but hoping he will conisder it. 

One of the things I like about him is he takes his time and once to go slow and get to know me first.  I find this very refreshing and appealing. 

I will start again posting on here my thoughts and feelings on a more regular basis.  I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and all their spanking dreams come true...

Feeling so Lost

It's been weeks now since my punishment.  What was truly amazing to find what I've been searching for now feels like abandonment filled with fear.  The past few weeks have been extremely hard on me as a person as well as a sub.  I feel like I've been knocked off my feet in alot of ways and I wonder if he can see through my walls now. When I'm alone the pain is so intense.  The things I've done in defiance are not typical for me.  The Dom I know would have not tolerated my behavior.  I guess its my way of dealing with the lack of control and structure that made me push the limits.  I wonder what our next meeting will hold and will I be able to keep my walls up? 
  

Thoughts on Submission

Submission is the most precious and powerful gift we can give to a Dom.  Once it's given and accepted it can never be taken back.  This exchange of power that I'm experiencing is amazing and is taking me to emotional levels I've only dreamed of.  My mindset and everyday thinking is changing rapidly.  As much as I fear my punishment, I'm so drawn to you and feel the dependency growing.  The need to be with you is so strong that it overwhelms me at times. 

On another note.....Do I share with him that I have a wooden paddle that was hand made for me years ago or do I keep it hidden and to myself?

Smoking is a Bad Thing

I have come clean and shared with him that I smoke on occasion when I get stressed out.  His silence of disapproval said it all to me......

It's been a very long and trying week at work.  The stress has gotten the best of me and being on edge, I pull into a gas station on my drive home.  Buying a drink and a pack of smokes as I get back into the car, I quickly open the smokes and dig my lighter out of the glove box.  Lighting it up as I sit back and relax in the parking lot and smoke away.  Opening my drink turning on the radio I savor the moment and light up one more smoke.  Looking over at the time, I start the car and begin to drive home.  Making sure to have all the windows rolled down so the smell of smoke isn't obvious. As I pull onto my street, I quickly pop in a piece of gum into my mouth and spray a little bit of perfume on my clothing.  I pull in the drive and grab my things not realizing that the smokes fall out of my purse landing on the passengers seat.  I quickly slam the door without looking back and run into the house.  Running up to you giving a quick hug and hello as I kiss your cheek and set my purse on the table.  I walk into the bedroom to change out of my work clothes.

As I walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on, I hear your voice in the distance..."I have to run down to the store.  Be back soon."  Hearing the door close as I jump into the shower.  Relaxing in the refreshing spray of the water as it runs over my body trickling down my spine.  I turn the water off and wrap the towel around me.  Drying off putting lotion on I hear you walk into the kitchen setting a bag on the table.   I walk over to the closet and grab a sundress out of the closet and set it on the bed.  As I brush my wet hair out I turn to see you in the doorway.  Looking at you puzzled...."What, what's wrong?"  The piercing glare and silence is deafening to me as I swallow hard.  With your eyes focused on mine, I dare not to look away from you.  As you walk over to me you hold a pack of smokes up to me and say "What's this and why are they in your car?"  Shocked and confused and above all caught off guard, I stumble on my words..."I just had two, I was stressed and needed them."  As my excuses fall on deaf ears i slowly take a few steps backwards and cover my bottom with my hands.  Pleading with you as a tear falls, you begin to take your belt off and remove the towel as you firmly grab my arm and lay me over the bed.  Pleading nonstop as the spanking begins through the lectures, "I don't want to see you with another cigarette EVER again."  The constant thrash of the belt hits over and over into my sit spot as I thrash and scream professing to never do it again as I choke on my tears.  Devistated and in shock at what's happened I crumble on the bed.  As the punishment ends I feel you grab my arm and raise me up off the bed and lead me into the bathroom.  Handing me the smokes and in a firm voice, "You take those and break them in half and flush them ALL down the toilet."  Gasping through the tears as they stream down my face I take them and break them up dropping the packet in the trash once emptied.  You reach over and flush the remains.  Taking my hand you lead me back to the bedroom and make me stand in the corner without touching.  The lecture continues about the disapproval of the habit and how you WILL break me of it once and for all.  What seemed like hours were truly minutes as you walk over and pull me out of the corner as I weep you bend me over and apply lotion to a very sore and tender bottom...

Reflecting on my Punishment to come

My Dom is coming home from Afghanistan this weekend and hopefully we will connect by the end of next week.  His words of confirming that my punishment is coming for my wrong doings for my tickets sits very strong in my heart and soul.  I've had to endure a long two months of waiting.  I am so connected to him and bond so strongly but at the same time, I struggle with the exchange of power.  My life will never be the same again.  I know his strong hand will wear my bottom out.  I've accepted that.  So why all the butterflies that sit so strongly in my gut?  Is it that I know he will take control of me how I need to find that balance in my life, or the fear of the punishment?  All I know is that I need him and will submit to him fully.  The pain I know is going to be hard to deal with, but when it's over I will feel so much better and feel that we've connected on another level and hope it's for good.