The hunger builds...

I'm beginning to feel the hunger build deep inside of me.  As we begin sharing ideas and views of submission it's beginning to build a fire deep inside of me.  I find my mind filled with thoughts and visions of my body being taken and pushed to the highest levels of sexual desires.  Feeling his power over me as my body begins to submit to his touch.  The desire and hunger grows to the point where I beg to be taken.

The thoughts and curiousity of the firsts....The first time I am taken and submit to his control..the first time I get punished.  Wondering how my mind and body will react and more importantly how I will react to him...Will it be as natural as things have progressed so far or will I try to remain strong and prolong the transfer of control......only time will be able to answer these questions.

I would love to hear feedback on this for anyone interested in responding. 

My thoughts

Yesterday I went to a tailgating party for the Sunday football game.  I went alone but my mind was racing of thoughts about Him.  My thoughts were so focused on the lifestyle as my mind and body raced with anticipation to feel alive again..the beginning stages of discovery and learning each other can be very exciting as well as intense.  Using the game as a tool to offer my submission.  Each loss of downs giving myself to Him in a sexual way.  With each taking feeling my submission grow stronger and a bond slowly begin to develop.

I see visions constantly on a daily basis and I'm learning that He does as well.  I guess time will tell how perceptive he is about my mannerisms and behavior.  I have learned some of his dislikes already and I wonder what to expect the first time he gets upset with me?  Thoughts of curiousity race in my mind on how he would deal with me in a public setting when it occurs as well as in private. 

I'm going to do my best to be well behaved and show him how good I plan to be.

It's been a long time...

I took a break from here and hope to hear from all of you again.  I needed to walk away for a little bit to regroup and try this once again to find my true happiness and contentment.  I have met someone and feel that there is some true potential for making it happen this time.  In suttle ways, I'm learning simple things from him. 

I shared with him tonight about my blog and hope that he will visit sometime and post once in awhile as well.  I think a blog can be really interesting if both parties post to it.  I'm not sure he will want to, but hoping he will conisder it. 

One of the things I like about him is he takes his time and once to go slow and get to know me first.  I find this very refreshing and appealing. 

I will start again posting on here my thoughts and feelings on a more regular basis.  I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and all their spanking dreams come true...

Feeling so Lost

It's been weeks now since my punishment.  What was truly amazing to find what I've been searching for now feels like abandonment filled with fear.  The past few weeks have been extremely hard on me as a person as well as a sub.  I feel like I've been knocked off my feet in alot of ways and I wonder if he can see through my walls now. When I'm alone the pain is so intense.  The things I've done in defiance are not typical for me.  The Dom I know would have not tolerated my behavior.  I guess its my way of dealing with the lack of control and structure that made me push the limits.  I wonder what our next meeting will hold and will I be able to keep my walls up? 
  

Thoughts on Submission

Submission is the most precious and powerful gift we can give to a Dom.  Once it's given and accepted it can never be taken back.  This exchange of power that I'm experiencing is amazing and is taking me to emotional levels I've only dreamed of.  My mindset and everyday thinking is changing rapidly.  As much as I fear my punishment, I'm so drawn to you and feel the dependency growing.  The need to be with you is so strong that it overwhelms me at times. 

On another note.....Do I share with him that I have a wooden paddle that was hand made for me years ago or do I keep it hidden and to myself?

Smoking is a Bad Thing

I have come clean and shared with him that I smoke on occasion when I get stressed out.  His silence of disapproval said it all to me......

It's been a very long and trying week at work.  The stress has gotten the best of me and being on edge, I pull into a gas station on my drive home.  Buying a drink and a pack of smokes as I get back into the car, I quickly open the smokes and dig my lighter out of the glove box.  Lighting it up as I sit back and relax in the parking lot and smoke away.  Opening my drink turning on the radio I savor the moment and light up one more smoke.  Looking over at the time, I start the car and begin to drive home.  Making sure to have all the windows rolled down so the smell of smoke isn't obvious. As I pull onto my street, I quickly pop in a piece of gum into my mouth and spray a little bit of perfume on my clothing.  I pull in the drive and grab my things not realizing that the smokes fall out of my purse landing on the passengers seat.  I quickly slam the door without looking back and run into the house.  Running up to you giving a quick hug and hello as I kiss your cheek and set my purse on the table.  I walk into the bedroom to change out of my work clothes.

As I walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on, I hear your voice in the distance..."I have to run down to the store.  Be back soon."  Hearing the door close as I jump into the shower.  Relaxing in the refreshing spray of the water as it runs over my body trickling down my spine.  I turn the water off and wrap the towel around me.  Drying off putting lotion on I hear you walk into the kitchen setting a bag on the table.   I walk over to the closet and grab a sundress out of the closet and set it on the bed.  As I brush my wet hair out I turn to see you in the doorway.  Looking at you puzzled...."What, what's wrong?"  The piercing glare and silence is deafening to me as I swallow hard.  With your eyes focused on mine, I dare not to look away from you.  As you walk over to me you hold a pack of smokes up to me and say "What's this and why are they in your car?"  Shocked and confused and above all caught off guard, I stumble on my words..."I just had two, I was stressed and needed them."  As my excuses fall on deaf ears i slowly take a few steps backwards and cover my bottom with my hands.  Pleading with you as a tear falls, you begin to take your belt off and remove the towel as you firmly grab my arm and lay me over the bed.  Pleading nonstop as the spanking begins through the lectures, "I don't want to see you with another cigarette EVER again."  The constant thrash of the belt hits over and over into my sit spot as I thrash and scream professing to never do it again as I choke on my tears.  Devistated and in shock at what's happened I crumble on the bed.  As the punishment ends I feel you grab my arm and raise me up off the bed and lead me into the bathroom.  Handing me the smokes and in a firm voice, "You take those and break them in half and flush them ALL down the toilet."  Gasping through the tears as they stream down my face I take them and break them up dropping the packet in the trash once emptied.  You reach over and flush the remains.  Taking my hand you lead me back to the bedroom and make me stand in the corner without touching.  The lecture continues about the disapproval of the habit and how you WILL break me of it once and for all.  What seemed like hours were truly minutes as you walk over and pull me out of the corner as I weep you bend me over and apply lotion to a very sore and tender bottom...

Reflecting on my Punishment to come

My Dom is coming home from Afghanistan this weekend and hopefully we will connect by the end of next week.  His words of confirming that my punishment is coming for my wrong doings for my tickets sits very strong in my heart and soul.  I've had to endure a long two months of waiting.  I am so connected to him and bond so strongly but at the same time, I struggle with the exchange of power.  My life will never be the same again.  I know his strong hand will wear my bottom out.  I've accepted that.  So why all the butterflies that sit so strongly in my gut?  Is it that I know he will take control of me how I need to find that balance in my life, or the fear of the punishment?  All I know is that I need him and will submit to him fully.  The pain I know is going to be hard to deal with, but when it's over I will feel so much better and feel that we've connected on another level and hope it's for good.

This song sums it up completely

Any thoughts or comments???

And the Bond Grows Stronger

I'm suppossed to be sleeping right now, but decided to write a new blog.  It's been over a week since I've done so. 
As my relationship with him continues to grow even stronger, I'm learning more and more about myself as a sub and my surrender to him.  No matter what I do to occupy my time in his absence, I just don't feel whole when he's not with me.  He knows me inside and out even more than I do myself.  This weekend it hit me very hard.  The need and surrender was so overwhelming that it brought me to tears. 
I'm very hesitant in using the "M" word and do so very sparingly, as once it's said or used you can never take it back.  I can honestly say I feel that I'm right on the edge of taking the leap and beginning to move from calling him Sir to Master. This is natural progression right?  What I thought could never be found I think I have found....He completes me....

Looking for a Sub sister to talk

I'm looking to find a friend who is like minded as me in living the life of a submissive in the DD/HOH lifestyle.  I'm looking to find someone to share and talk about my experiences and be a sounding board to discuss punishments and situations that we all seem to get into from time to time.  If you would be interested in sharing your own views and discussing the lifestyle please let me know.  My Dom is completely supportive in me finding a person who has the same beliefs that I share and will live.  Drop me a line if you would be interested......Sweetcheeks

A very Hot and Steamy Night

One of my house rules that I must follow is when he goes to bed I am to follow and sleep for the night.  This week has been especially stressful for me at work not to mention hot and humid.  After a few hours I was still tossing and turning and couldn't sleep.  Once I could feel he was asleep, I layed quietly and listening intently to make sure he was sound asleep.  I slowly and carefully I slipped out of the bed and put my swimsuit on and tiptoed through the kitchen to the backdoor.  Grabbing a towel I carefully opened the back door and slowly closed it behind me.  Walking down the deck I throw my towel on the table and slipped my suit off and jumped into the pool.  It was a warm and humid night (almost 2am at this point).  I enjoyed the warm water and did a few laps and slowly began to unwind and relax.

Swimming over to the far end of the pool I look up and see the light flash through the window pane of the back door.  The flash startles me and I freeze in place.  I slowly see a silhouette standing on the upper deck with the light illuminating around him.  I stop moving and look up intently.  As my body is frozen in time I hear in a clear firm voice.."come here".  Visibly shaken I swim over to the opposite side and climb out grabbing my towel and suit.  I dry my body off the best I can and slowly walk up the steps to where he stands.  The shock sets in as I see him holding a belt in his hand.  He grabs me by the arm and begins to spank me as he leads me into the house.  The sharp intense smacks hitting my wet bottom cuts like a knife as I cry out and run into the bedroom.  Throwing myself on the bed rubbing the burn I sob in my pillow as I hear him lock the door and turn the lights off.  Slowly he makes his way back to the bedroom.  Laying face down as I slowly turn my head to the side and look at him as he walks in.  In his firm voice I hear him say confidently, "You know the rules, when we go to bed at night you are to stay by my side and not wander off in the middle of the night."  I try to plead my case through the tears explaining I couldn't sleep and was restless.  In a calm voice he confirms "I understand and I'm going to take care of that right now."  He walks over to my side of the bed and begins to spank my bottom with the belt.  The sobbing and cries and screams begin as I try to escape the attack on my sore and wet bottom.  Hearing his words saying "this will make sure you do sleep and won't wander around after bedtime.  I do NOT want to wake up again and find you missing do you understand me?"  Broken and sobbing as I answer through the broken words, "Yes Sir".  Crying uncontrollably the spanking stops as I see the light turned off and he walks over to the opposite side of the bed.  Choking on tears I try and rub the burning heat from my sore and not so wet butt.  As he gets into bed he pulls me close to him as I lay on my side with my back to him curled up.  Feeling him press against my spine and hot butt I whimper and sob exhausted from the ordeal I try to settle down.  Devistated that I was spanked by him I fight back the tears.  Slowly as i feel his strong hand reach down and touch my burning butt I hear his stern but calming voice.  "You will learn to follow my rules.  If you can't sleep you need to wake me and not sneak off like that.  Do NOT do this again or your punishment will be more severe than what you got tonight."  Overcome by the ordeal of being thoroughly spanked, I yawn through the tears and slowly drift off to sleep in his safe and protecting arms.....

Mind over Matter

I would love to hear people's opinions on how a Dom is able to get into a sub's mind.  How is it possible that you are able to read their thoughts and know what they are thinking before we even do?  It almost feels like you can read the mind and know things that we don't even know ourselves.  Is this because of the strong bond that's created or something else?  It's inticing and at the same time scarey too.

To Tell or Not to Tell

As I begin this new journey and we have spent alot of time communicating our views and his ideas and structure of DD/HOH.  I shared with him the other day that I got pulled over for speeding on my drive home from work.  I completely understand where he stands on this and that I would be punished for putting myself at risk.  Yesterday, as I was driving home yet again it happened in the same area.  I was so deep in thought while I was driving I wasn't paying attention.  Thank God it wasn't the same officer.  I know the right thing to do is to tell him.  I fear what his reactions will be.  I know if I don't tell him it will eat me up inside.  If I do tell him, I know I will be punished and severely.  After all, this is the life I chose to lead.  Anyone have any thoughts or can offer feedback?

Happy 4th of July weekend to everyone

I've spent the last few days talking with someone in great detail about this lifestyle. I feel this is a good connection for me.  He's successfully been able to get into my head and pull things out of me that no other has been able to do successfully.  It's a mix of emotions and needs.  I know it's premature but I'm praying this search of mine has finally found the "one" I've been hoping to find.  The journey has been wonderful so far.  I know as a submissive we all need the stability and structure to make us whole.  Could this be it?  You know who you are and I want to thank you for the time we've spent together and I look forward to sharing more with you.

Friday, July 1st

A continuation of posting my thoughts.....

I've had the welcomed opportunity of talking with a man who is the real deal.  A true Dom that believes in DD/HOH.  I've thoroughly enjoyed all of our conversations.  For the first time since I can remember, I feel that our views and ideas are on the same page.  The emotions are overpowering...How he is able to get into my head has completely caught me off guard.  I've challenged him with "trick" questions to see how he would answer them and he's passed everyone of them with flying colors. 

What attracts us to his power?  The need to feel the power and control or the need to know that you will give yourself to his control. Giving up control of oneself is such a special gift that needs to be treasured and respected.  For those of you who are like me, I know you understand this.  It's so hard to open yourself up and allow someone into your world and mind.  If we don't do this..how do we ever find true happiness?  A risk we all take and pray for the outcome to be true.  The bond and power of the connection is intoxicating and addicting that you just can't walk away from it.

I spend time thinking and wondering how the structure would be set up and how it will play out.  The squirming of anticipation and anxiety are a mixed emotion that us "bottoms" are so familiar with.  As we challenge to see where the boundaries will unfold we slowly develop into the person we've always wanted to be.  Guided and looked after by a true Dom who displays confidence, structure and consistency.

A new post on my thoughts

I started this blog about 3 months ago, but have failed to keep it active.  I’ve been trying to find someone who is a true HOH/DD.  I have to thank the person who’s comment posting on my ST page for suggesting SpankFinder.  I’ve had the opportunity to talk to someone who peaks my interest and seems to be very sincere in the lifestyle.  My goal is to eventually find that rare combination of a man who is both a strong disciplinarian but one that is fair, not someone who punishes for unjust reasons. He must be confident with himself and provide a structure that is beneficial to both parties.  Expectations should be realistic and discussed before moving to the next level.  I believe this person should be calm and in control during punishments and not loose their temper or show anger.  Doing so breaks the trust of the relationship which then allows the fear set in.  This definitely would kill the relationship.  I believe this sort of relationship is extremely intense both emotionally and physically.  The bond that is created is so strong and I truly believe this sort of relationship is so much more powerful than any vanilla relationship.  Issues are always dealt with which makes communication between a couple strong and builds the strength of the relationship...
More thoughts to come..

Saturday

The first of what I hope is many postings.  My goal is to try and post to my blog on a daily basis to share who I am and my thoughts on Domestic Discipline.  I began my journey into this lifestyle at the age of 15.  While other girls were interested in boys and flirting, I was more attracted to boys older who wanted a girl that would obey them and be spanked when they didn't.  I admit at such a young age it was a fine line to tread.  I don't think anyone who has any experience in DD really understood what its power and gift really meant.  I have many memories..one of which i will share...

It was the middle of winter with snow on the ground.  Mike and I were at a party and I started being mouthy and ignoring all warnings from him.  After a stern warning whispered in my ear, I chose to ignore it.  Within 15 minutes I was leaving the party and we were headed back to his place.  I was taken to the side of the house and made to find a switch from one of the bushes. My pants were pulled down and my bum was exposed to both the cold air and the fear that began to set in. 

As he guided me to a retaining wall I was to hold my hands onto the wall as I bent over while he held a firm hand in the middle of the small of my back.  After being scolded and explaining why this was happening, I was told I had to count each smack which would be 20.  The tears began to flow as I pleaded with him in fear of the pain.  My requests fell on deaf ears.  The spanking began.  The first sliced right under the bottom of my cheek.  I screamed in anguish and my knees buckled.  The real tears started to form as I was told to be quiet so the neighbors don't hear.

The next 4 smacks had me sobbing in pain clenching my fists in the snow.  The mixture of the heat and the cold air was a confusing feeling.  He did allow me to regroup after 5 smacks, which I begged him to stop and be good.  Again he ignored my pleas.

The spanking continued and when all twenty smacks had been delivered I crumbled to my knees in extreme pain and throbbing; crying uncontrollably needing to be held and consoled promising to never disrespect him again. 

The last part of the punishment was a complete surprise.  I was made to sit on the snow covered wall for 3 minutes.  The extreme cold made the burning and throbbing hurt even more. 

When the punishment was over he carried me inside and took care of me as I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

A few of my favorite phrases

This is a quote from a HOH that I think describes this lifestyle so beautifully....

How does an imperfect man guide and direct the object of his affection towards a better standard even after recognizing his own faults? He accepts his condition and realizes that his love for the woman is the most important ingredient in this beautiful dance called a relationship. I have spent my life coming to terms with who I am and what I want in relationships. After so many years of struggles in the past, I have found that happiness and peace do exist in the type of relationship that most of the world does not appreciate (you can probably relate). I am in a relationship that is truly special and is one of a kind. My love is a woman who is especially kind and giving and I am truly lucky to have her in my life. We are both spankos at heart and I use this to guide our lives together towards a better future. There is a great deal of our relationship that is vanilla and is quite normal. However, while some couples struggle over the leadership of their relationship, we have an understanding that I will protect and love her at all times and if necessary, pull her across my knee and spank her when she needs protection from herself. For me, I adore the beautiful submission of her will to me. She submits herself to my decision of when she will be spanked, and at times, punished. At the same time, it is my responsibility to always keep her best intentions clear and to act accordingly.

This phrase took me time to submit and accept, but I think those of us who are true to this lifestyle can agree.

"If I didn't follow through you wouldn't respect me."